I realized something last night. Or yesterday during the day I guess technically. Actually, I just realized something right now too. I’ll start with now, because my mind doesn’t want to confront what I realized last night. I just realized that I can’t do this without having music on. I really think it would be great if I could get to the point where I could, I think that the music is a way for me to be distracted and that’s not what I want when I’m doing my morning pages. If the music isn’t just right, then I want to change it and I start switching back and forth between iPods and wasting all sorts of time.

What I realized last night is that I really want to write. Everything else I do is perifrial- I want to write but I can’t spell- anyway- I love Pilates but I’d like to write about it. My favorite days at work on when I get to draft things. That was my favorite thing to do at Million Man, Alabaster, all of my internships, etc. I love to write. I always have, ever since I was a little kid. But I’m scared. What if I’m really bad at it? I know I’m really bad at the follow-through part of it, but I think that’s really all just born out of a fear of failure. What is keeping me from writing a book? Eating and watching TV basically.

At the new house I’ll have an office. I can be in there working while Chris is in the family room watching TV. I can be close to my family but doing my own thing. I bought a computer so I could do this for heaven’s sakes. I have great ideas, I’m good at getting my ideas down on paper, just not good at developing them. When did I get so shot down????? I don’t remember ever having my writing critisized in a bad way. Even Mr. Brown, who was always negative, gave me good feedback. I’ve been published multiple times. Why am I not doing this?

I have had the article for Pilates Digest done for over 6 months and haven’t sent it. Why? I don’t know. Why don’t I want to be published? Why am I sabatoging myself so much?

My time is almost up, I was really hoping that this would just cause some answers to flow out of my fingers but it’s not happening. Maybe I should go back and re-do the creativity circle again. I have all of the information and assignments, it would be a good kick in the pants to get going. I could also work through some of the other books I bought. I need to just get going. I will become involved with the writers meet up before Austin is born. In June, after the move, I will make the time for myself to go, even though I will probobly only be able to go once before he comes. At least it’s a start.

I’m proud of myself, I just sat down at my desk and I’m starting to write. And I read part of the ACE manual last night. I have so much personally that I need to do I think I’m going to have another day where I can’t focus:
1) Call utility companies for McMahan
2) Call utility companies for Gardendale
3) Research Seating
4) Pick day for ACE test
5) Exercise (I’m committed to doing this on my lunch break again. I was going to lift weights, but I forgot to bring shoes, so I’ll swim).

I wish I had some clearer direction and was more content. I don’t hate this job in any way shape or form, but I’m not as happy with the rest of my life as I was when I worked here before. I feel like I’m constantly playing catch up. Maybe it’s a new mom thing that I’ll get used to. Maybe I need more friends to help me through it. I think it’ll be better after we move and I have Austin, when I can stay up a bit later at night to spend time with Chris and I’m not so exhausted every day that I feel like I don’t have any fun with Lily. I’m also excited to wear normal clothes again.

All of this, and I am terrified that this baby is going to come too soon. I feel guilty saying I’m uncomfortable and that I’m tired of wearing maternity clothes (or not, I just don’t want to go buy any more. I wonder if all of my shirts are going to look funny after my belly is gone.)

Okay, first of all, let’s talk about signing into a blog. Why is it that about 1/2 the time it remembers me and my password, and the other half it acts like this computer has never visited this website before? I get not keepign the password forever and ever amen, but usually most keep the username.

I’m downloading a podcast that was posted a bit later than it normally is so I didn’t get it on my home computer. I love my iPhone. I think I just got stuck in iTunes Store never never land though. The other thing about the iPhone is the Genius Playlist capability, the only problem is about half of my music came from Chris and isn’t the final mastered version so it’s not recognized. Oh well… I don’t know why music can so dictate my ability to work (or journal, as it may be.)

I spent most of the weekend frustrated, feeling like I have no idea how I’m going to do this job and teach Pilates and have any chance at any sort of life after Austin is born. This is the job I would like to give up, but I don’t make enough money teaching Pilates to put the kids in daycare, so the choice is do that and make enough money but never ever see my husband, or do this and just do a little of that on the side. There is a new, very upscale development next to Franklin Green that I may see if has a gym or fitness center- I could start out with weekly mat classes and maybe progress up to buying some equipment…I don’t know how it would work exactly but it seems like a great idea. Plus they are building an elementary school, I could start a Pilates in the Schools program in Williamson County maybe…there are a lot of possiblilies, the only problem is the cash (or lack there of).

We went through the garage yesterday, I told Chris I’m a bit worried we didn’t find more to get rid of. I don’t know if it’s because we are being pack rats, or if it’s because we already got rid of so much. He assures me we’ve already gotten rid of it and that’s why it’s not there.

I need to do a headshot tonight so I can submit my article for Pilates Digest. I also need to get an idea list together and start writing more often. I spend a lot of time watching TV when I could be doing other things to further my goals. Plus, I like to sleep. I know I need to stock up because after Austin is born I won’t get any for a while, but still. How in the heck am I going to go back to work full time when he’s just 4 weeks old? I know it’s at home for 2 weeks, but still, I will need to sleep. I don’t know, I guess I need to just quit worrying about it and just see how it plays out.

I’m doing it. It took me 10 minutes at my desk doing piddly other things (checking email, finding just the right music, etc.) but I am doing it. I’m doing a morning page for the first time in like 9 months. I want to look into the Julia Cameron book that they talked about on Hip Tranquil Chick this morning, I’ll see if the library has it.

We sold the bookcase yesterday to two really nice cops. Oddly, they weren’t cops that had ever been to the fire department by our house though, they were undercover and in the gang unit. Although it’s odd to me that they would tell me they work under cover. The guy’s name was Mike and in a lot of ways (speach, mannerisms) he reminded me a lot of Mike. It really kind of creeped me out.

I was only going to write for 10 min but I just ended up on the phone with Chris for 5 so I guess I have another 5 to go. He really frustrates me sometimes, he won’t articulate his thoughts in any understandable manner and just sounds upset all the time. This move has been really stressful for both of us, but I think he’s bearing the brunt of it because he ends up being the one to go home most often, he has a more flexible job. Plus, I was gone all last week, I have to be at work during certian hours, etc.

I’m really not feeling well today at all. I have a cough, I’m really tired, I just want to sleep. Maybe I should just go home and rest and then work from there for a while, I don’t know. I just really feel yucky. I thought I could ignore it, but it’s not working.

Speaking of working, I better get to it.

After being gone for a whole week, coming home on Mother’s Day was truely a treat. I woke up way earlier than I wanted to and let Chris sleep in so I could spend some time with Lily. They had driven to Franklin and bought me a gift card for a coffee shop that a friend said had the best coffee in Franklin so that I could go there and write after we moved. How amazingly sweet that Chris even thought of that considering all we have going on right now. I haven’t even thought abut my writing more than on a cursury note on the plane the other night since sometime in April…around when the last blog post was. I really feel like I’m in a place where I need to take some time and do some planning, I’m just not sure when I’m going to be able to or what kind of shape that will take.

I’m thinking about starting to do a form of morning pages again, possibly through this blog. That is risky because I’m putting it out there then, and I might sensor myself which defeats the purpose of the morning pages. But, then again, I don’t know that anyone actually reads this besides me, it may just be my portable journal.