Now that I’ve had some time to process this election, I have some (conflicting) thoughts and I feel the need to share.

First: I was a Hillary supporter. Not because I am a capital-D Democrat (although, in general, I do favor the party’s policy positions on most issues) or because I’m against Republicans. I didn’t support her because I LOVED her, and I didn’t oppose Trump on the basis of the fact that he is a reality TV star with no public service experience.

I supported Hillary because I opposed Trump’s rhetoric. His hate filled, agitating, bullying, “Build a wall”, “Grab them by the pussy”, “Knock the shit out of ’em”, rhetoric. Because he is a man who thinks inciting violence is okay. Because he didn’t renounce the KKK immediately. Because he thinks it’s constitutional to ban an entire religion of people fleeing for their lives from coming to our country. (As if it’s our (white people’s) country in the first place. I mean, let’s be real here. If anyone has a leg to stand on in the “Make America Great Again” argument, it’s the Native tribes that we’ve effectively decimated, not us white folks.)

I don’t know where Trump stands on most issues because, honestly, I stopped listening. You speak the way he did and I shut you off. I didn’t watch the last two debates, I read about them the next day. Hillary lied some, Donald lied a lot. There was no point in watching live, reading the fact-checked versions seemed to be a better use of my time.

But now we’re here. Donald Trump has been elected to be the next President of the United States. And we are freaking the f*** out. Lifelong friendships, family relationships that were otherwise fine, are over. Hate and fear have been flying from both sides all week, although, finally, in the last two days, I’m starting to see people try to understand.

I have family that (I assume, we don’t talk about it because we want to be able to still like each other) voted for Trump. They voted to get jobs back. They voted to kick out the powerful political elite. They voted for him despite his rhetoric, not because of it. (I believe that James Comey’s last minute announcement of new investigations unfairly influenced the election. But, honestly, I don’t know if anything can be done about that at this point.) What it really comes down to is: Just as I was able to overlook the flaws in Hillary that they couldn’t get past, many Trump voters were able to overlook what I couldn’t.

And just as I would have made my voice heard on the issues that I disagree with Hillary on, I trust that they would make their voices heard in opposition to the hate rhetoric.

I signed the change.org petition to get the electoral college to vote Hillary instead of Trump, in reflection of the actual popular vote rather than the state EC vote breakdown.  But now, I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do. Removing Trump from an office he won through– at least what appears to be– legal means would disenfranchise the other 50% of the country. It wouldn’t end the protests/rioting/hate that has filled our country since Tuesday, it would only increase it. Putting Hillary in office would not make Muslims/Women/Disabled/Trans/LGBTQ/Latinx etc people safe, I believe it would put them in more danger. Right now, hate groups feel validated. If we did somehow switch the election, hate groups would feel vindictive. Ready for vigilante justice.

Trump needs to come out and denounce the hate (not the protesters) immediately. He needs to address the concerns the protesters have. He needs to MAN UP (because, really, this whole post could be about why the country would rather have this MAN than that WOMAN) but that’s a whole other issue) and admit he was wrong to say the things he said. He needs to immediately surround himself with advisers from these disenfranchised groups (not his supporters that meet these demographics. Actual people who disagree with him on rhetoric and policy.) He needs to STEP IN, DENOUNCE and DEESCALATE the actions of his supporters who have seen this victory as a call to arms. He’s got until December 19, when the electoral college, casts their ballots to prove that he really is going to President of all of us. If he does it, I think we have to give him a chance. If he doesn’t, my daughter and I may be in Washington to protest the inauguration.