I don’t hate my job. (It’s telling that I typed that with a ? instead of . the first time.) But I really don’t- I work with some great people, and we do great things. But it is a job, not a career. And it’s the second time I’ve tried doing it. I really thought when I went back that was what I wanted, but ever since I’ve been wondering. Especially since getting pregnant again. The idea of taking Austin to daycare when he is 6-10 weeks old (depending on when he actually comes) literally makes me want to puke. Lily loves the daycare, but she might not hate it here if I made her days structured and fun. I would have to join play groups, etc…but it’s not horrible.
But I’m not talking about not working. I’m talking about taking a second try at this independance thing. Teaching, writing. These are the two things I really want to do, and these are the two things that I really don’t know how I can do with two kids and a full time job that consumes me.
Even though it’s been a full 24 hours since my doctor told me that work was over now, completely over until the baby comes, I’ve still been thinking about it for about 23.5 of those hours.
I jumped back into work because I enjoyed it, I enjoyed being at Next Big Nashville for that week and working. But since I’ve been back, I really can’t think of any time when I would say I’ve loved my job. I’ve hated it at times, I’ve tolerated it a lot, I almost quit a few times, mostly over Cheri but also over the fact that I wasn’t excited about putting two kids in daycare anyway.
Then we moved into this new, beautiful house that I absolutely love and I redid the budget and didn’t think quitting was an option. Then I realized that, without actually cutting back on anything except daycare, I can quit my job and we’d be okay. If nothing changes with Chris’s job, which we won’t know until next month.
What sucks is, I know I’m good at my job. I’m really good at it, which is part of the problem, I have done so well that I have way way way too much on my plate. And I’ve tried to point that out to my supervisors on multiple occasions, but to no avail- I get temporary help, but I end up getting more done than I thought I could and I am left with the same work load because I have obviously been able to handle it. Then I make a mistake, and although my bosses assure me that it’s okay, my clients, who I have bent over backwards for on more than one occasion, make me feel like an absolutely horrible person. I expect perfection from myself, and other people expect it from me too, but perfection all the time (therefore, perfection in definition) is not possible. All I can do is apologize and admit my mistake and figure out what caused it and how to fix it.
But what about when that fix involves other people doing their jobs, and me having extra time to do mine correctly? And, I’m not working more than the 40 hours a week required. I’m not spending my nights and weekends doing the things that I don’t have time to do during the days. Well, that’s not completely true- for the last 7 months I’ve been checking my email on my phone during nights and weekends and keeping it caught up at all times. I’ve taken two vacations, both of which I worked on, to the tune of taking a total of 4 vacation days when I was out of the office for 10. I went on an actual vacation, which was agreed upon when I was hired, and ended up having my pay docked for a week and a half.
One of our job requirements is that we think of our job as a career- but I don’t. I think of it as a temporary way to make ends meet and make money for my family. I also think of it as the reason why my kids have to be in daycare 10 hours a day and someone else fixes my daughter’s hair more often than I do.
I know I can’t make this decision now, while I’m still upset about what happened yesterday. The thing is, I know that deep down I don’t really want to quit- there are parts of my job that I really enjoy. No, I’m not sure if that’s completely right- I don’t want to let anyone down, that’s why I’m not sure if I can quit. It’s also hard to know, that, more than any other place I’ve quit, this bridge would burn behind me. They took me back once, they won’t do it again. And I wasn’t happy at home, I was bored. I guess I can use the first few weeks of Austin’s young life as a test to see if I can make this work, but that would be awful hard to do considering that those weeks are not an indication of what life is actually going to be like.
So, I will write and blog and journal for the next week at least. Try to figure out where I really am at with all this.