June is half over already. I’ve got my iced coffee-milk in hand (more accurate than iced latte as far as I’m concerned) and I’m ready for the day.

Or at least a nice long nap.

I’m definately a “dive into it” person when I get to work, which makes it hard to keep the commitment to do morning pages here. I’m also the mother of a 1 year old though, and that makes it nearly impossible to do them at home. Yes, I could get up earlier and try to do it before she gets up, but I’m 8 months pregnant. I like to sleep.

Speaking of…do I ask Erin if I can take her other class tomorrow, or do I go ahead and give her back the 8am so that I don’t have to come in? I can’t really take a class, because I can’t do anything at this point. I could give myself a lesson, but quite honestly, I don’t feel like it. I could use the hour to write, but I could do that at home too. And get my grocery shopping done and my meals planned for the week. But the money would be good for us too.

I’m trying not to be stressed about money, I’m really not sure why I am so stressed at this time. I’m kind of freaking out though. It’s just a lot. I don’t think it’s really sunk in for me yet that the credit cards are paid off, so the bills we get are the bills we get, I’m not going to have to figure out how to pay those and put a significant amount of money towards debt also.

Okay, I need to start work. Off to my day.

I say I want to write, but I don’t do it. Each night I have free time between when Lily goes to be and when I go to bed- sure I might be completely exhausted, but still. If it was something I really wanted to do, I would have the motivation to do it, right?

Right…except that I am afraid. It has taken me a really long time to say this, but I am afraid that if I try to write something it’s going to be bad, or at least not nearly as good as everyone thought my writing was when I was in elementary school. I’m also afraid that it will be really good, because what will that mean for me and my life. Will I be able to make a career out of it? I don’t know if I can take being really good at another thing and not being able to have a career doing it (like Pilates). I don’t think I can add a third job along with my second child.

Can I put another thing on my to-do list? I have to finish reading the ACE book so I can take the test. Can I read and do any of the other books that I have in my bookshelf?

I really wish I could make a living doing what I want to do…but I am afraid to make a leap. We can’t afford it right now with two kids and a new house.